When sex with our partner gets predictable, boring, or unsatisfying, we lose interest in having sex – it’s low sexual desire 101. If you don’t get your sexual needs met with your partner, you either satisfy them yourself through masturbation, fantasy, an affair, or you start to shut off your sexual desire completely. Passion requires many things, one of those being excitement but also direct communication.
However, getting into a sexual rut isn’t the end of the relationship, marriage, or the end of the world, it happens to the best of us.
Boring or unsatisfying sex is most common in long term relationships and marriage because it can be – it’s easy, we get tired, lazy, take our partner’s for granted, etc. If you read my Blog from last week: New Years Resolutions – Great Sex... you learned that focusing on what turns you on helps to create more pleasure and sexual desire. But that’s not enough when you just aren’t getting your sexual needs met. If your partner isn’t doing things to turn you on in or outside of the bedroom then changing your focus doesn’t help much with sexual desire.
So many couples come into my sex therapy office wondering why they have lost their sexual desire, their libido, their erections, etc., when the truth is, the sex they were having didn’t only lack passion, but was also boring, created more feelings of disconnection than connection, and left them feeling inadequate or frustrated. Who the heck would want to be having sex like that?
Sexual desire isn’t stupid. Sexual desire is connected to our body’s level of sexual pleasure and satisfaction with sex.
In order to get your sexual needs met, you need to know what your sexual wants, needs, and desires are and make sure your partner knows what they are. Taking a personal inventory of your turn-ons and turn-offs is a great place to start. Whether these things currently include your partner or not, list them. And be open to ideas that might not initially seem related to what happens in the bedroom. Many interactions we have with our sexual partners impact our sexual relationship whether the interactions are sexual or sex-related or not. For example, equity of housework, respect, complements, being doted on, etc. To get an idea about how to do this, check out my Blog: Identifying Turn Ons. Of course this will more likely help your marriage, relationship, sexual relationship, if you actually share it with your partner. Some of these things your partner may have done previously, some of these things may be new that you haven’t shared with your partner, and some of these things may require you taking more charge of your sex life and sexuality. Success in sex starts with some direct CUMmunication! If you are not able to do this on your own, you have my contact info and my door is always open.
Now go have sex!