In my practice I see lots of women and couples wanting to address the issue of low desire. Before I work with individuals to help them fuel their sexual desire, I explore if the sex they are having is worth wanting and the level of overall satisfaction in the relationship. To have a motivation to have sex – the sex needs to be worth wanting and we need to feel desired and satisfied and happy for the most part in our relationship. If that’s your problem – read this.
More often I find with women who are experiencing low desire is that it’s been a long time since they made their sexuality a priority. Sex tends to happen at the end of the day after all their energy has been put into work, children, the house, etc and then they don’t have much energy left to put the effort into making it a mutually satisfying experience. In these cases I often suggest that couples schedule it. I you think that scheduled sex isn’t sexy, read my blog Spontaneous Sex is a Myth!
SEXUAL DESIRE ISN’T THIS MAGICAL FEELING THAT IS OUT OF OUR CONTROL – Hormones are only a piece of what drives sexual desire. We all experience and do things every day that impact our sexual desire. Some of the things we do fuel our desire and some of the things we do extinguish it.
WAITING FOR DESIRE TO HAPPEN – One of the myths that exacerbates low sexual desire is this mysterious approach to desire – particularly for women – the idea of waiting to feel horny. We look back at the beginning stages of current or previous relationships or ourselves as teenagers and we think – we were horny then – why aren’t we horny now? Well, when we were teenagers everything was much more taboo and unknown – exciting – and that fuels curiosity which fuels desire. Similarly in new relationships we are curious about the person, on our best behavior, they are on their best behavior, and the chemicals that enhance our desire – endorphins are in full effect. There’s plenty of research that indicates our judgment is impaired when the endorphins are in full effect and we tend to be much more focused on the positive – what we like about the person that is triggering those endorphins. Once those endorphins go away and we get to know all the quirks and annoyances of our partners, they feel less sexy to us – they are no longer as mysterious to us as they were before and we begin to lose interest and decrease the amount of effort made towards being sensual, desirous, or initiating sex.
I find that people in long-term relationships create expectations for themselves that may not be realistic, especially since they aren’t typically putting in the same level of effort into their sex lives in long-term relationships compared to what they have typically put into a new relationship.
THINK SEX-POSITIVE THOUGHTS…You’ve heard that saying “your biggest sexual organ is your brain right?” Ask yourself, are the messages you give yourself about sex, your body, and sexuality positive or do they tend to be more negative. For instance – do you get up in the morning and have the ability to be grateful for the parts of your body that you like and that get you where you need to go and that get the things done that you need to do? Do you admire your favorite body parts? Do you allow space to be sensual with yourself? When you look at yourself in the mirror are you able to say positive things to yourself like “damn girl you look good for your age?” Or “I love my skin or my boobs or my ass?” Or our your thoughts more negative like – “I have got to get to the gym – things are not looking good” Or ” I hate my saggy boobs, ass, thighs, etc. “
Desire starts from within. While there are things in our surroundings that can spark it – a beautiful body or person, a sexy movie, a sexy song, positive admirations from a lover – It has to begin with us. I am suggesting you begin from a place of gratitude. Those kind of messages create space for sexual desire – negative, critical ones do not.
Lastly – Are you making your sexual desire a priority or does everything else come first? If all your energy is going into a clean house, your children, your work – why would you expect to have anything left for sex? Nothing good ever comes easy and while good sex may have seemed effortless when your relationships were new – it likely wasn’t. You were likely thinking about it – anticipating it – prepping for it – etc, etc, – you certainly weren’t wearing the granny panties.