Category Archives: Myths About Sex

Articles about sexual myths and the lies people tell about sex.

Cindy Crawford – Leaked Photo & Body Image

Fake or not, months later I am still thinking about the supposed unairbrushed photo of Cindy Crawford that was leaked. Of course this is not the first “real” photo of a Hollywood beauty that has received attention but the contrast between the fake verses real was startling to say the least. It really made me think about how many of the photos we look at in media is just plain bogus and how it affects our body image.View image on 15 Minute News website

Sorry folks, this blog isn’t going to be lighthearted or funny because I am pissed.

So here it goes. As you can imagine, I regularly see clients in my Sex Therapy practice who struggle with body image.  Body image no doubt affects the sex drive and sexual satisfaction of many women and sometimes men as well. As a feminist, promoter of positive sex and sexuality, and one who appreciates a beautiful woman, I truly struggle with this. I enjoy wearing sexy heels, getting dolled up, and looking at fit bodies like Cindy Crawford’s but I don’t want that to box in my sexual desires and what I find visually pleasing.  Ageism and unrealistic expectations of the female body in our society has become so pervasive and shaming that sometimes we don’t know where our own sexual turn-ons and desires begin and where those that have been put upon us by media begin.

I don’t think I am alone when I say that I experience mixed emotions about this topic. Of course I was happy to have the opportunity to be reminded of what a real woman looks like. Of course we need to see images like this from women we idolize. So, yes I was happy to see a woman in her true form, but I was also surprised, sad, confused, angry, and frustrated; frustrated that I was surprised. Surprised that a 48 year old woman would have wrinkles and an imperfect stomach? What the F—?! Of course, this is what average – REAL 48 year old women look like!

Then when I looked at it in comparison to the magazine publication that’s when sadness, confusion, and anger kicked in. It put a spot light on how starkly different the images we see in media and advertising are from reality. It is sad that “real” pictures that haven’t been perfected by photoshop or airbrushing are so significantly different from modified pictures. It made me realize how along with so many women I struggle on a daily basis with unrealistic and impossible expectations of the female body.  Do we even know what a healthy normal naked woman at our age looks like?  At what point did we begin to expect that women should have no wrinkles or cellulite at age 48? At what point did we start comparing ourselves to women who have surgery, liposuction, personal chefs, personal trainers, professional photographers, and graphic artists to modify their images? It’s time for us to open our eyes, quit bullshitting ourselves and accept the female body for what it is – HUMAN.

Wow. I wish I had some solutions for you today. I would love to hear some of yours – please comment.

Now go have sex!

People Lie About Sex

sex and passionPeople lie about sex for many reasons. People lie about sex to have more sex, to have less sex, to avoid embarrassment, to avoid conflict, to avoid hurting others’ feelings, to maintain privacy or to maintain appropriate and healthy personal boundaries. When it comes to sex, people lie to just about everyone about just about everything. At some point or another, people lie to friends as well as past, present, and future sexual partners. People even lie to themselves about sex (hmm… another blog topic).

I think people lie a lot about sex at parties – I think that’s why they call them COCK-TALE parties. 😉

People lie about or give the impression that they are having more sex than they are having – because they don’t want to fall into the statistic of long-term relationships. People lie about how much they enjoy sex with their partner, how much their partner orgasms, or how long their partner lasts before ejaculating because they are embarrassed, because they feel abnormal, or out of respect for their partner. People lie to their partner’s about their sexual satisfaction to avoid conflict and intimacy. People lie about their fantasies to avoid hurting their partner’s feelings. The list goes on and on.

Ultimately, lies about sex create many false myths about sex and sexuality.

These myths about sex and sexuality have huge negative consequences on sexual relationships and sexual satisfaction. Myths and unrealistic expectations about sex like:

“Sex isn’t good unless we orgasm together.”

“Sex is only good if he lasts for 20 minutes or more.”

“Married women don’t fuck – they only want to make love.”

“Penis size always matters.”

“Erectile dysfunction is uncommon and only happens to men over 50.”

“Premature ejaculation is uncommon and only happens to boys under 20.”

 

You get the idea? If people were actually honest about their sexual desires and sexual functioning and media, Hollywood, and porn weren’t creating so many myths about sex and sexuality, counseling and sex therapy would be focusing a lot more on relationships and childhood wounds than dispelling myths, misconceptions, and downright unrealistic expectations about what sex is supposed to look and feel like. I like this quote by Andy Warhol “Sex is more exciting on the screen and between the pages than between the sheets.” Of course you could interpret this two ways. I think sex can be much better off screen when a couple is authentic, desires one another, and is honest about what they do and don’t want sexually. But when people lie and carry their armor, sexual myths, and unrealistic expectations into the bedroom, then sex becomes boring, unsatisfying, frustrating, a chore, and ultimately a reason for couples counseling or sex therapy.

So get honest in the bedroom – tell your partner what you want and what you like. I would love to hear what happens.

Now go have sex!

Spontaneous sex is a myth

In couples counseling I often see lovers who struggle with the desire and energy to have spontaneous sex because of stress and fatigue from life’s day to day obligations. Or sometimes it’s just getting on the same page. When one partner is in the mood for sex and intimacy the other is not – their timing for spontaneous sex is always off. With sex therapy cases like this, it often makes sense to have the lovers schedule a day every week when they could plan for sex. I know what you are saying, I hear it in my sex therapy office regularly – “Scheduling sex is a turn off – I want sex to be spontaneous.” I get it, but honestly, not scheduling hasn’t been working for you so why keep doing the same thing expecting different results?

For some lovers the idea of scheduling sex doesn’t sound sexy and feels too clinical.

Sure, spontaneous sex sounds more erotic and sexy – that’s certainly what we see in the movies right? And we all know we are supposed to be having sex like we see in the movies, right? Sorry – a little diversion there – that’s a whole other blog topic “How media and movies have wrecked our sex lives!”

Okay, back on topic. So my next question is,

Do you romance your partner often? Do you go on dates and flirt with one another often?”

And when you go on these dates are you wearing granny panties or are you putting on sexy lingerie, those hot boxer briefs, something sexy and risque? If your answers to these questions are yes (well except for the granny panties one 😉 and you typically have sex after your dates then I would suggest that you aren’t exactly having spontaneous sex. You were planning and preparing for sex – there really wasn’t much about it that was spontaneous. If your answers are no and you aren’t having sex regularly then you probably have an idea of what I am going to suggest next… you could likely benefit from scheduled sex … or … behaving like a person who wants to have sex.

When we were dating it wasn’t a surprise that we had sex at the end of the date. We did all the things that contributed to sexual desire; we dressed up, we wore something that made us feel sexy or attractive, we fantasized about the person we were dating; we flirted; we focused on what we liked about the person and complimented them on it. When you were dating your partner you scheduled dates and mentally prepared for the possibility of sex. You were not necessarily scheduling sex but you were preparing for the possibility. So keep this in mind the next time you wonder why you aren’t having sex.

Now go have sex!