Tag Archives: sex therapy

What makes a great sexual lover?

Size matters you say? Of course everyone’s idea of what makes a great sexual lover varies. Some might say a great lover is naughty or rough, others might say erotic, while another person might say a great lover goes by the name of “Oh God!” More times than not, I find that when people describe a great sexual encounter the theme isn’t specifically about rough, kinky, naughty, or vanilla sex.

The common theme is that great sexual lovers show enthusiasm, curiosity, and desire.

Yes, being with a lover who is enthusiastic about you and the sexual experience gets lovers out of their shells and makes them more enthusiastic themselves. Get two lovers that are enthusiastic sexually and you create a more satisfying sexual experience for both lovers.  But enthusiasm isn’t enough – a great sexual lover also makes his or her partner feel desired and wanted.

For most, it doesn’t take a magic wand (pun intended) to become a great lover – just start by asking yourself a few questions. Are you curious about your lover? Are you curious about how your lover will respond to varied touch or do you assume that you know all there is to know about your lover? Are you more focused on pleasure or your performance?

Of course to receive great sex most need to feel relaxed and excited. In my practice, I often find that people feeling insecure about themselves, their bodies, or unsure about their partners can struggle with creating and receiving great sex. Also if they have a performance focus to sex –a focus on orgasm, how hard their erection is, or how long they last, actually have less satisfying sexual experiences than those who are relaxed, curious about their partner, and excited about whatever possibilities arise.

Sexual satisfaction can sometimes seem paradoxical.

The more we try to have an orgasm (See “Orgasm…just the period at the end of a sentence?), get an erection (See “Erection Obsession”), not cum too quickly, the less pleasurable it often is.  I often tell my clients who are overly focused on being good lovers to actually practice being selfish lovers (See “Be A Selfish Lover”).

I know some of you are confused – that’s because you’ve let Hollywood into your bedroom.

I get it guys, you’re focused on your dicks because you want to last longer to create great sex with your partner. Unfortunately, I am suggesting the opposite is often the key to great sex. Yes, when guys get too focused on their dicks and less focused on their partner, their partner isn’t feeling desired or wanted, and they finish feeling less satisfied and more disconnected. So bottom line, guys focus less on your dicks and ladies focus less on your body’s imperfections and everyone focus more on what feels good, being enthusiastic, and showing your partner you desire them, and there you have it – great sex… maybe.

Now go have sex!

Fueling Your Sex Drive

In my practice I see lots of women and couples wanting to address the issue of low desire. Before I work with individuals to help them fuel their sexual desire, I explore if the sex they are having is worth wanting and the level of overall satisfaction in the relationship. To have a motivation to have sex – the sex needs to be worth wanting and we need to feel desired and satisfied and happy for the most part in our relationship.  If that’s your problem – read this.

More often I find with women who are experiencing low desire is that it’s been a long time since they made their sexuality a priority. Sex tends to happen at the end of the day after all their energy has been put into work, children, the house, etc and then they don’t have much energy left to put the effort into making it a mutually satisfying experience.  In these cases I often suggest that couples schedule it.  I you think that scheduled sex isn’t sexy, read my blog Spontaneous Sex is a Myth!

SEXUAL DESIRE ISN’T THIS MAGICAL FEELING THAT IS OUT OF OUR CONTROL – Hormones are only a piece of what drives sexual desire. We all experience and do things every day that impact our sexual desire.  Some of the things we do fuel our desire and some of the things we do extinguish it.

WAITING FOR DESIRE TO HAPPEN – One of the myths that exacerbates low sexual desire is this mysterious approach to desire – particularly for women – the idea of waiting to feel horny. We look back at the beginning stages of current or previous relationships or ourselves as teenagers and we think – we were horny then – why aren’t we horny now?  Well, when we were teenagers everything was much more taboo and unknown – exciting – and that fuels curiosity which fuels desire. Similarly in new relationships we are curious about the person, on our best behavior, they are on their best behavior, and the chemicals that enhance our desire – endorphins are in full effect. There’s plenty of research that indicates our judgment is impaired when the endorphins are in full effect and we tend to be much more focused on the positive – what we like about the person that is triggering those endorphins. Once those endorphins go away and we get to know all the quirks and annoyances of our partners, they feel less sexy to us – they are no longer as mysterious to us as they were before and we begin to lose interest and decrease the amount of effort made towards being sensual, desirous, or initiating sex.

I find that people in long-term relationships create expectations for themselves that may not be realistic, especially since they aren’t typically putting in the same level of effort into their sex lives in long-term relationships compared to what they have typically put into a new relationship.

THINK SEX-POSITIVE THOUGHTS…You’ve heard that saying “your biggest sexual organ is your brain right?” Ask yourself, are the messages you give yourself about sex, your body, and sexuality positive or do they tend to be more negative. For instance – do you get up in the morning and have the ability to be grateful for the parts of your body that you like and that get you where you need to go and that get the things done that you need to do? Do you admire your favorite body parts? Do you allow space to be sensual with yourself? When you look at yourself in the mirror are you able to say positive things to yourself like “damn girl you look good for your age?” Or “I love my skin or my boobs or my ass?” Or our your thoughts more negative like – “I have got to get to the gym – things are not looking good” Or ” I hate my saggy boobs, ass, thighs, etc. “

Desire starts from within. While there are things in our surroundings that can spark it – a beautiful body or person, a sexy movie, a sexy song, positive admirations from a lover – It has to begin with us. I am suggesting you begin from a place of gratitude. Those kind of messages create space for sexual desire – negative, critical ones do not.

Lastly – Are you making your sexual desire a priority or does everything else come first? If all your energy is going into a clean house, your children, your work – why would you expect to have anything left for sex? Nothing good ever comes easy and while good sex may have seemed effortless when your relationships were new – it likely wasn’t. You were likely thinking about it – anticipating it – prepping for it – etc, etc, – you certainly weren’t wearing the granny panties.

10 MORE Sex Tips #MaySexTips

Here’s more May sex tips for all you couples in relationships as well as flirty singles. If you haven’t seen them all, just follow me on twitter @TalkSexWithLiz . To read about my first 10 sex tips, check out my blog here. I don’t think you or your partner will be disappointed. Also, if you have already tried some of these sex tips or you have feedback on my first 10 sex tips then comment below and let me know how they turned out for you.

Sex Tip#11-“Lick by Numbers.”

Number your body parts in order of how you want to be licked using your partner’s favorite flavor. This is a great way to teach your partner what you like in a fun way. S/he will likely remember this better than verbal instruction and you both will certainly enjoy it more.

Sex Tip#12 – For date night this week, go to a sex toy shop.

My favorite is the Pleasure Chest in West Hollywood . Here you can explore & buy sexcessories to spice up your sex life. Find out some of your partner’s likes, try something new, and maybe even learn something new about your own sexual likes and dislikes.

Sex Tip#13 – Have sex in the kitchen.

I suggest each of you pick out five items in the kitchen to supplement your love making. It may be food, a spoon, or even something more dangerous, but it will definitely be different than sex in bed.

Sex Tip#14 – Watch or read erotica with your partner and share the things that you see or read that you would like to try to do together.

So many of the couples I see think they know everything their partner’s like and dislike but they are often surprised when they approach sex in a state of curiosity rather than all-knowing.

Sex Tip#15 – Instead of your usual foreplay try some partner yoga.

Here’s a great video to get you started. Touching in a way that is sensual without a focus on orgasm or being sexy is sexy in itself. You may tap into a whole new way of being with your partner. If you really enjoy this you may want to start exploring Tantra yoga or Tantric Sex.

Sex Tip#16 – Take turns blindfolding each other as you sensually touch and tease one another. Notice how your other four senses are magnified.

Many people get focused on the physical touch of sex but tapping into our other senses – sight, sound, taste, and smell can definitely intensify our sexual experiences more than you might think. By restraining one sense, it naturally intensifies the others.

Sex Tip#17 – Take a picture of your bare hip/thigh/collarbone/hand/rib cage etc. and text it to your partner as foreplay. Add sexy hints about the pictures you send.

Good foreplay starts way before you enter the bedroom. Remember when you and your partner were dating? Yes, that’s when you felt that on-going sexual energy. You may remember it being so natural and easy but it wasn’t automatic – it took work – it just didn’t feel like it. Start taking time to do fun and enticing things like this and foreplay will feel like “play” rather than work.

Sex Tip #18 – Try some new sexual positions.

Have you gotten into the habit of those predictable sexual positions that are focused on getting you and your partner off? Well that’s all fine for a quickie but when sex is so predictable it gets boring, your senses dull, and your satisfaction and excitement decreases. Here are some ideas for new positions to try tonight.

Sex Tip#19 – Give her the best cunnilingus.

One of my favorite “sexual how to” books is, “She comes First” by Ian Kerner. I guarantee that you and your partner will learn something if you read it. It’s not just for the giver – the receiver can learn something about herself as well.  AND for those people who think they don’t have time to read – you can get it on audio!!

Sex Tip#20 – Give him the best BJ!

The key to a great blow job really is in your level of enthusiasm. Of course technique and novelty is helpful – but that’s something you can learn. My favorite book on increasing your BJ talents is “Tickle His Pickle” By Dr. Sadie. It’s light and funny, yet informative and accurate.

Now…Go Have SEX!!!

Top 10 Sex Tips for May

If you have been following my tweets then you already know my “Top 10 Sex Tips for May” search #MaySexTips or follow me on twitter @TalkSexWithLiz for sex tips daily. If you want more specifics on these fabulous sex tips read further. Also, if you have tried some of these sex tips then comment below and let me know how they turned out for you. I would love to hear from you.

Sex Tip #1 – Share your turn ons & offs with your partner. For every 1 turn off share 5 turn ons.

So many people assume they know what their partner wants or likes most but often when I ask the question “What are your partner’s greatest turn ons and off?” I get the answer “I think…hmmm.” If you have actually asked the question and you learned what your partner’s greatest turn ons and offs were years ago, great. But consider this, maybe his or her turn ons or turn offs have changed since the last time you asked. What we consider erotic in our 20s is often different from that in our 30s, 40s, 50s, etc.

Sex Tip #2 – Not every woman is a porn star and not every man has a 10″ dick. Unrealistic expectations of sex result in disappointment, so act accordingly!

It’s fun to act like a porn star. Some do this more often than others but when our partners EXPECT us to take on this role most of the time the result is either disappointment or detachment. So many people have expectations for sex that began on a TV, movie, or computer screen. The sooner you get realistic about your sexual expectations the sooner you will be able to embrace you and your partner’s sexuality and start working on greater sexual satisfaction and intimacy.

Sex Tip #3 – Be curious and mix it up-approach your partner without expectation of their response. They will feel more desired & excited.

Everyone wants to feel desired. Everyone gets into habitual sexual behaviors. Habits are great for knowing what we can rely on but not so great for long term sexual satisfaction. Great sex requires a level of excitation that often gets stifled when our sexual behaviors and interactions become habitual. Mix it up and see what happens.

Tip#4 – Quit waiting for sex to be spontaneous – Spontaneous sex is a myth.

For more on this tip read my blog: http://talksexwithliz.com/blog/spontaneous-sex-myth

Tip#5-Your brain is your biggest sex organ. To feel sexy create space for and feed sexy thoughts.

When you see something that turns you on pay attention to it! Again, for more on this read my blog: Our Biggest Sex Organ

Tip#6 – What you wear can fuel or extinguish your desire. Get rid of those granny panties or grandpa boxers. Enough said.

Tip#7 – Mix it up – try using your mouth (taste, lick, bite, talk) and hands (grab, scratch, caress) MORE and your genitals LESS.

The erogenous zones outside of our genitals are often ignored – what a shame. Filet or Lobster is great for dinner but do you want to eat it every night? How about mixing up the menu? Try it – I think you will like it.

Tip#8 – Increase the intensity of your partner’s orgasm -tease it out – make them beg for it.

Sounds sexy doesn’t it? Slow it down and explore all those erogenous zones from Tip#7 before even considering touching the genitals – your partner will thank you for it.

Tip#9 – Use a good silicone lube.

If you think lube is overrated then you have never experienced a good silicone lube. Sure great foreplay and following all of my tips mentioned above will make it less necessary but this is to supplement sexual satisfaction not make up for a lack of lubrication because of lack of foreplay.

Tip#10 – Oral Sex Tips from Oral Sex Tips & Techniques like the tea bagging one are great – but I suggest shaving first!

Yes, if you want those nuts/balls/boys really attended to during oral sex then it’s all about maintenance – shave those family jewels! You and your partner will thank me for it.

Now go have sex!