Risks, Desires, & Long Term Relationships

I attended an Infidelity conference this weekend and between the conference and this article “Finding the Courage to Reveal a Fetish” http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/11/fashion/modern-love-a-spanking-fetish-is-not-revealed-easily.html?hp&pagewanted=all I couldn’t help from wondering…. What are lovers holding back from their sexual partners and to what extent does this lead to infidelity and/or a lack of sexual desire? For many, the idea of telling your partner, wife, husband, girlfriend, or boyfriend what you REALLY want sexually is more taboo than the fantasies themselves. You seek greater intimacy and a more satisfying sex life yet something keeps you from revealing your whole self.  The potential rejection of your desires from the person from whom you seek comfort is often too painful to consider so you avoid risking, keep your partner at a safe distance, sustain the unsatisfying Saturday night sex, and seek your satisfaction in other safe activities. OR you push those desires down to a place where you eventually seek it elsewhere…with another partner. You have your cake and eat it too – you have the comfort at home and the risk, desire, mystique outside the home.  Yet, are you really having both? Those of us who study this work, sex therapy and couples therapy, would likely say no. Eventually, the secret likely erodes the true intimacy, desire, or love you and your partner have because you are taking away your partner’s ability to choose. To choose YOU whatever your desires, to choose alternatives to monogamy, to choose a lover for him/herself.  I wonder, when you take away choice in a relationship what happens to desire?

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