Spontaneous sex is a myth

In couples counseling I often see lovers who struggle with the desire and energy to have spontaneous sex because of stress and fatigue from life’s day to day obligations. Or sometimes it’s just getting on the same page. When one partner is in the mood for sex and intimacy the other is not – their timing for spontaneous sex is always off. With sex therapy cases like this, it often makes sense to have the lovers schedule a day every week when they could plan for sex. I know what you are saying, I hear it in my sex therapy office regularly – “Scheduling sex is a turn off – I want sex to be spontaneous.” I get it, but honestly, not scheduling hasn’t been working for you so why keep doing the same thing expecting different results?

For some lovers the idea of scheduling sex doesn’t sound sexy and feels too clinical.

Sure, spontaneous sex sounds more erotic and sexy – that’s certainly what we see in the movies right? And we all know we are supposed to be having sex like we see in the movies, right? Sorry – a little diversion there – that’s a whole other blog topic “How media and movies have wrecked our sex lives!”

Okay, back on topic. So my next question is,

Do you romance your partner often? Do you go on dates and flirt with one another often?”

And when you go on these dates are you wearing granny panties or are you putting on sexy lingerie, those hot boxer briefs, something sexy and risque? If your answers to these questions are yes (well except for the granny panties one 😉 and you typically have sex after your dates then I would suggest that you aren’t exactly having spontaneous sex. You were planning and preparing for sex – there really wasn’t much about it that was spontaneous. If your answers are no and you aren’t having sex regularly then you probably have an idea of what I am going to suggest next… you could likely benefit from scheduled sex … or … behaving like a person who wants to have sex.

When we were dating it wasn’t a surprise that we had sex at the end of the date. We did all the things that contributed to sexual desire; we dressed up, we wore something that made us feel sexy or attractive, we fantasized about the person we were dating; we flirted; we focused on what we liked about the person and complimented them on it. When you were dating your partner you scheduled dates and mentally prepared for the possibility of sex. You were not necessarily scheduling sex but you were preparing for the possibility. So keep this in mind the next time you wonder why you aren’t having sex.

Get Hollywood out of your bedroom, quit waiting for desire to kick in, start carving out time for sex and intimacy, and start doing more things that fuel your desire rather than those things that extinguish it.

Now go have sex!

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