Category Archives: Male Sexual Problems

Articles about male sexual problems.

Foreplay and Erectile Dysfunction

Are you getting the foreplay you need for solid erections?

If not, your erectile dysfunction may be caused by lack of stimulation. Yes, sometimes erectile dysfunction is related to how much stimulation you are receiving when having sex or getting ready to have sex. That is, how much your partner touches, strokes, massages, licks, etc. your penis, dick, junk, rod, member… get the picture?

Ladies and gentlemen, foreplay isn’t just for women anymore.

When you were 18 or even in your early 20’s you may have gotten an erection, hard-on, woody, from a strong wind but as you age you need more direct stimulation, foreplay, to get and maintain the erections that make for satisfying intercourse. While previously looking at a partner’s naked body may have given you a stiff dick, as you age, visual stimulation is just not enough. Now you likely need manual and erotic stimulation.

As men get older they need more stimulation to get aroused.

While the old saying “men are like microwaves and women are like crock-pots” is typically true for women, as men age they become more like crock-pots; especially in long-term sexual relationships. I often find with my ED (erectile dysfunction) clients that they are not getting the stimulation they need from their partners to get or maintain a full erection and they are too embarrassed to ask for what they need and then they take full responsibility for their difficulty with erections when it’s a problem between the partners.

Erectile dysfunction is caused by many things and sometimes just as much, if not more of it, is related to your sexual partner. Now don’t get me wrong, this is not about pointing fingers or blaming, this is about getting the hard-on, stiff one, woody, rock hard cock that you both want ;-)) In order to do that, you need to CUM-municate. Yes, that’s right, talk about what you want, need, feel. Sorry to disappoint those of you who were hoping this would be my one blog that didn’t push the value of direct communication. Nope, I can’t give you a quick fix that doesn’t involve talking with your partner about sex – that’s in a bottle, I don’t sell it, and even if you take it, you might end up seeing me for sex therapy anyway.

If more direct stimulation doesn’t help, check out my blog “Erection Obsession.”

Now Go Have Sex!

Could porn be causing your erectile dysfunction or intimacy problems?

Could porn be causing your erectile dysfunction or intimacy problems? With all the media coverage of porn addiction, you may be saying, “porn, what’s the big deal?” but if you or your partner has erectile dysfunction (difficulty getting or maintaining erections) or delayed orgasm you may want to read further. This recent article in the Huffington Post by Robert Weiss “Is Porn Destroying Your Relationship?”! really hits home in the sex therapy work I do. So many of my sex therapy clients and couples are struggling with intimacy … connecting sexually and one common factor that impacts their sexual success is the use of porn. Now don’t get me wrong, I have never had a problem with porn – it’s a great teaching tool. Unfortunately, the immediate sexual gratification that internet porn provides is problematic – it is definitely not the porn that I grew up with and I am becoming more and more concerned about the impact of porn because I am seeing it as a direct correlation with sexual functioning. Porn addiction has become a common term and whether you agree with it’s usage or not it I am finding that it is more and more common for me to see male clients who report regular porn use come in with Erectile Dysfunction or Delayed Orgasm. Also, their partners are feeling confused as to why he has lost interest in sex with them or why he is so disconnected when they are sexual.

It’s much easier to get our immediate needs met using porn because there isn’t a partner to please, impress, disappoint… you get the idea. The problem comes in when porn is used habitually as a way to avoid or to fulfill needs that could be met by other means. When porn usage becomes automatic I encourage the user to ask him/herself “What am I horny for?” or “What am I yearning for?” Are you bored, lonely, depressed, angry, horny? And are you using porn EVERY time you have this feeling or only occasionally?

Of course overcoming sexual problems are not usually as quick and easy as just eliminating porn usage. Often times there are communication gaps and sexual topics that the couple hasn’t felt comfortable discussing that lead one partner to ultimately just avoid communicating about or having sex with their partner and move towards sex with themselves. That is where sex therapy comes in. I help guide my clients through these difficult issues that they have been avoiding and work with them to communicate directly with one another about tough issues sometimes related to sex and sometimes unrelated.

The bottom line is our biggest sex organ is between our ears … our brain, and porn used regularly to avoid sex with our partner rather than enhance it is becoming more and more problematic. Maintaining a healthy and satisfying sex life takes work, it takes being vulnerable and sometimes being rejected, but like the saying goes “Nothing worth having comes easy.”

Now go have sex!

Great Sex is NOT Like Baseball

A friend told me about this great talk on TED today by Al Vernacchio. It’s about how it’s better to look at sex like pizza than baseball.  To check it out, click here: “Sex Needs a New Metaphor”

I love this concept. He talks about how viewing sex like pizza gives us the opportunity to discuss with our partner how we would like it… the usual way?… half of what you want and half of what I want?… or if we would like to try something new.  The linear view of sex that so many people have …. first base, second, and so on, like baseball, creates performance focused sex rather than pleasure focused intimacy. When we have a more cyclical view of sex – that it ends when YOU say, not when the penis does or when one person orgasms – it becomes more pleasure focused, more flexible, more desirable, and more satisfying than being constricted to the box that linear focused sex puts us in. So check out this fun video …. and go get yourself some pizza!

Erection Obsession

men with erectile dysfunctionOne of my clients coined this phrase and I just had to share it because I know many men AND women relate to this, often in silence. Whether you or your partner’s penis is too hard, too soft, lasts too long, or doesn’t last long enough, most won’t admit it – it’s a dirty little secret.  Words like erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and delayed orgasm make this topic taboo. While many women openly struggle with orgasm –it seems that many men and women struggle with erection problems very privately, hence the obsession.  But that’s a Blog for another time. The topic I want to explore in this Blog is what drives erection obsession?  One idea is that much of our society seems to think in a linear fashion when it comes to sex.  Ask yourself this question, “When do you know when you and your partner are finished having sex?” Most of my clients tell me “When he comes of course.” That is, man gets an erection, he and his partner orgasm, the end.  So what happens when it doesn’t happen in precisely this fashion? …Erection obsession.

So what’s the solution? First, it’s important to make sure it’s not related to physical health.  After that, well, it depends.  A common solution is simply changing the way we think about sex, making love, screwing, doing “it”. That is, thinking about sex cyclically rather than linearly. Of course changing our thoughts isn’t simple but the idea certainly is. By starting with moving our perceptions from the movies to reality – specifically by moving away from the movie model of how sex looks towards what feels pleasurable and sexy, we open up a world of possibilities AND decrease our obsession with the erection.  By getting back to the basics of focusing on the pleasures of the entire sexual experience not just intercourse/the thrusting of the penis, we move away from linear thinking to more cyclical thinking. When we think about sex and intimacy in a cyclical fashion, sex doesn’t end just because the man or dominant partner comes,  it ends because we have had enough pleasure,  are tired,  are connected with our partner, or whatever. But not because we feel we didn’t have any other choice.  Yes, friends this not so novel an idea. I encourage you to allow sex to be more broad than what you see on TV, movies, and porn. So, have fun and enjoy.