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Top 10 Sex Tips for May

Sex Tip #1 – Share your turn ons & offs with your partner. For every 1 turn off share 5 turn ons.

So many people assume they know what their partner wants or likes most but often when I ask the question “What are your partner’s greatest turn ons and off?” I get the answer “I think…hmmm.” If you have actually asked the question and you learned what your partner’s greatest turn ons and offs were years ago, great. But consider this, maybe his or her turn ons or turn offs have changed since the last time you asked. What we consider erotic in our 20s is often different from that in our 30s, 40s, 50s, etc.

Sex Tip #2 – Not every woman is a porn star and not every man has a 10″ dick. Unrealistic expectations of sex result in disappointment, so act accordingly!

It’s fun to act like a porn star. Some do this more often than others but when our partners EXPECT us to take on this role most of the time the result is either disappointment or detachment. So many people have expectations for sex that began on a TV, movie, or computer screen. The sooner you get realistic about your sexual expectations the sooner you will be able to embrace you and your partner’s sexuality and start working on greater sexual satisfaction and intimacy.

Sex Tip #3 – Be curious and mix it up. Approach your partner without expectation of their response. They will feel more desired & excited.

Everyone wants to feel desired. Everyone gets into habitual sexual behaviors. Habits are great for knowing what we can rely on but not so great for long term sexual satisfaction. Great sex requires a level of excitation that often gets stifled when our sexual behaviors and interactions become habitual. Mix it up and see what happens.

Tip#4 – Quit waiting for sex to be spontaneous – Spontaneous sex is a myth.

For more on this tip read my blog: https://talksexwithliz.com/blog/spontaneous-sex-myth

Tip#5-Your brain is your biggest sex organ. To feel sexy create space for and feed sexy thoughts.

When you see something that turns you on pay attention to it! Again, for more on this read my blog: Our Biggest Sex Organ

Tip#6 – What you wear can fuel or extinguish your desire. Get rid of those granny panties or grandpa boxers. Enough said.

Tip#7 – Mix it up – try using your mouth (taste, lick, bite, talk) and hands (grab, scratch, caress) MORE and your genitals LESS.

The erogenous zones outside of our genitals are often ignored – what a shame. Filet or Lobster is great for dinner but do you want to eat it every night? How about mixing up the menu? Try it – I think you will like it.

Tip#8 – Increase the intensity of your partner’s orgasm -tease it out – make them beg for it.

Sounds sexy doesn’t it? Slow it down and explore all those erogenous zones from Tip#7 before even considering touching the genitals – your partner will thank you for it.

Tip#9 – Use a good silicone lube.

If you think lube is overrated then you have never experienced a good silicone lube. Sure great foreplay and following all of my tips mentioned above will make it less necessary but this is to supplement sexual satisfaction not make up for a lack of lubrication because of lack of foreplay.

Tip#10 – Oral Sex Tips from Oral Sex Tips & Techniques like the tea bagging one are great – but I suggest shaving first!

Yes, if you want those nuts/balls/boys really attended to during oral sex then it’s all about maintenance – shave those family jewels! You and your partner will thank me for it.

Now go have sex!

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Spontaneous sex is a myth

In couples counseling I often see lovers who struggle with the desire and energy to have spontaneous sex because of stress and fatigue from life’s day to day obligations. Or sometimes it’s just getting on the same page. When one partner is in the mood for sex and intimacy the other is not – their timing for spontaneous sex is always off. With sex therapy cases like this, it often makes sense to have the lovers schedule a day every week when they could plan for sex. I know what you are saying, I hear it in my sex therapy office regularly – “Scheduling sex is a turn off – I want sex to be spontaneous.” I get it, but honestly, not scheduling hasn’t been working for you so why keep doing the same thing expecting different results?

For some lovers the idea of scheduling sex doesn’t sound sexy and feels too clinical.

Sure, spontaneous sex sounds more erotic and sexy – that’s certainly what we see in the movies right? And we all know we are supposed to be having sex like we see in the movies, right? Sorry – a little diversion there – that’s a whole other blog topic “How media and movies have wrecked our sex lives!”

Okay, back on topic. So my next question is,

Do you romance your partner often? Do you go on dates and flirt with one another often?”

And when you go on these dates are you wearing granny panties or are you putting on sexy lingerie, those hot boxer briefs, something sexy and risque? If your answers to these questions are yes (well except for the granny panties one 😉 and you typically have sex after your dates then I would suggest that you aren’t exactly having spontaneous sex. You were planning and preparing for sex – there really wasn’t much about it that was spontaneous. If your answers are no and you aren’t having sex regularly then you probably have an idea of what I am going to suggest next… you could likely benefit from scheduled sex … or … behaving like a person who wants to have sex.

When we were dating it wasn’t a surprise that we had sex at the end of the date. We did all the things that contributed to sexual desire; we dressed up, we wore something that made us feel sexy or attractive, we fantasized about the person we were dating; we flirted; we focused on what we liked about the person and complimented them on it. When you were dating your partner you scheduled dates and mentally prepared for the possibility of sex. You were not necessarily scheduling sex but you were preparing for the possibility. So keep this in mind the next time you wonder why you aren’t having sex.

Get Hollywood out of your bedroom, quit waiting for desire to kick in, start carving out time for sex and intimacy, and start doing more things that fuel your desire rather than those things that extinguish it.

Now go have sex!

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When sex is boring or unsatisfying

When sex with our partner gets predictable, boring, or unsatisfying, we lose interest in having sex – it’s low sexual desire 101. If you don’t get your sexual needs met with your partner or when sex is focused more on efficiency than pleasure and connection, you either satisfy yourself through masturbation, fantasy, an affair, or you start to shut off your sexual desire completely. Passion requires many things – pleasure, excitement, and sorry folks… direct communication. 

However, getting into a sexual rut isn’t the end of the relationship, marriage, or the end of the world, it happens to the best of us.

Boring or unsatisfying sex is most common in long term relationships and marriage because it can be. It just happens when we get tired, lazy, take our partner’s for granted, etc. and we aren’t making great sex a priority. If you read my Blog : New Years Resolutions – Great Sex... you learned that focusing on what turns you on helps to create more pleasure and sexual desire. But that’s not enough when you aren’t getting your sexual needs met. If your partner isn’t doing things to turn you on in or outside of the bedroom, then changing your focus doesn’t help much with sexual desire.

So many couples come into my sex therapy office wondering why they have lost their sexual desire, their libido, their erections, etc. Often the truth is, the sex they’re having is boring, creates more feelings of disconnection than connection, and leaves them feeling inadequate or frustrated. Who the heck would want to be having sex like that?

Sexual desire is related to sexual satisfaction.

Sexual desire is connected to our body’s level of sexual pleasure and satisfaction with sex.

In order to get your sexual needs met, you need to know what your sexual wants, needs, and desires are and make sure your partner knows what they are. Taking a personal inventory of your turn-ons and turn-offs is a great place to start. Whether these things currently include your partner or not, list them. And be open to ideas that might not initially seem related to what happens in the bedroom. Many interactions we have with our sexual partners impact our sexual relationship whether the interactions are sexual or sex-related or not. For example, equity of housework, respect, compliments, being doted on, etc. To get an idea about how to do this, check out my Blog: Identifying Turn Ons. Of course this will more likely help your marriage, relationship, sexual relationship, if you actually share it with your partner. Some of these things your partner may have done previously, some of these things may be new that you haven’t shared with your partner, and some of these things may require you taking more charge of your sex life and sexuality. Success in sex starts with some direct CUMmunication! If you are not able to do this on your own, you have my contact info and my door is always open.

Now go have sex!

DOs & DON’Ts FOR FEELING SEXY UNDER QUARANTINE

This quarantine does not make me feel sexy. And that’s the same I’m hearing from most of my Sex Therapy clients. You think being locked up in such a time would make us horny, randy, foxy, amorous, sexy. Apparently this isn’t the movies. Once again Hollywood fails us.

If you use sex to cope with stress, loneliness, depression, or isolation, in this time of quarantine, then lucky you! For the rest of us – I’ve come up with some ideas to spark up our sex lives.


DO!
1.Have phone/cyber SEX – yes, yes yeeaaaasss!
For those of you not living with your partner or with a partner who actually gets to leave the house for work, this could be the trick for you. And for all those people who struggle with feeling sexually inhibited – maybe you’ll feel more comfortable trying out a sexy dance, flirting in a way you haven’t before, doing some dirty talk… if it’s done via computer. Sometimes it can take the pressure off when our first time isn’t face to face. Then we are less anxious about how s/he might react or not react. Message me, I want to know.
2. Masturbate… Well… what else ya gonna do during this quarantine? Sex with ourselves is the new “safe at home” practice! It’s likely that you have more time on your hands than you have had before and the options of ways to distract yourself have been limited. So rub one off. And don’t give me the excuse that the kids are home. Take a long shower – you know that’s what your teenage son is doing. ;-))
3. Find some yummy erotica – written or film, whatever tickles your fancy and handle yourself or better yet, reach out to the one you’re with! Read the story to them on the phone, computer, or if you’re lucky, read it to them in person.
4. Write your own erotica Tap into your fantasies and inner erotic self. Think 5 senses – sight, smell, taste, touch, and sound. Find your inner sex kitten or tiger and put a pen to paper. Then share it with your partner. If you’re too shy, then just keep it to yourself. I can think of plenty of sexy quarantine-like fantasies that can save us from the un-sexy reality of covid-19.
5. Learn how to lap dance There are tons of videos on youtube that I love. I’m really liking this instructor https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JOMDEKvcJ20

DON’T!
1. Compare yourself to others.
I can’t tell you how many people – friends, clients, and colleagues (myself included) get caught up in depression because they are caught up in comparing themselves to others. Seeing everyone on-line setting up workout/weight/productivity challenges can make us feel like sloths. Feeling like you aren’t good enough or doing enough because you look outside at others who “seem” happy, fit, sexy, or more successful is a recipe for disaster. The more you compare yourself the worse you feel. There’s always going to be someone more productive, successful, fit or seemingly sexy.
2. Stay in your PJs all day unless they are REALLY SEXY PJs. Dress how you WANT to feel. If you want to fuel your sexual desire – feeling sexy, then you need to act like you are sexy – NOT frumpy.
3. Punish your body by doing exercises/workouts that you hate. There are so many things you can do to make your body feel good. On youtube, you can find instructional dance/exercise/partner yoga videos, go for a walk/run/bike outside, walk while catching up with a friend on the phone, play a game that’s physical (twister, wii, hopscotch, jump rope). Stop punishing your body and treat it to something fun that fills you up.
4. Neglect your personal hygiene. Do some manscaping for goodness sakes! You’re never gonna want/get any action if you haven’t mowed the lawn (both front & back) in days – well unless you’re into that. Then, by all means, enjoy your au naturale.
5. Watch/read/listen to negative shit before bed(sex)time. If you’re putting negative energy into your head like murder/violence/news about covid-19 quarantine, then you are definitely going to shut down any sexy-time in your house.

Now go have sex!