Erection Obsession

men with erectile dysfunctionOne of my clients coined this phrase and I just had to share it because I know many men AND women relate to this, often in silence. Whether you or your partner’s penis is too hard, too soft, lasts too long, or doesn’t last long enough, most won’t admit it – it’s a dirty little secret.  Words like erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and delayed orgasm make this topic taboo. While many women openly struggle with orgasm –it seems that many men and women struggle with erection problems very privately, hence the obsession.  But that’s a Blog for another time. The topic I want to explore in this Blog is what drives erection obsession?  One idea is that much of our society seems to think in a linear fashion when it comes to sex.  Ask yourself this question, “When do you know when you and your partner are finished having sex?” Most of my clients tell me “When he comes of course.” That is, man gets an erection, he and his partner orgasm, the end.  So what happens when it doesn’t happen in precisely this fashion? …Erection obsession.

So what’s the solution? First, it’s important to make sure it’s not related to physical health.  After that, well, it depends.  A common solution is simply changing the way we think about sex, making love, screwing, doing “it”. That is, thinking about sex cyclically rather than linearly. Of course changing our thoughts isn’t simple but the idea certainly is. By starting with moving our perceptions from the movies to reality – specifically by moving away from the movie model of how sex looks towards what feels pleasurable and sexy, we open up a world of possibilities AND decrease our obsession with the erection.  By getting back to the basics of focusing on the pleasures of the entire sexual experience not just intercourse/the thrusting of the penis, we move away from linear thinking to more cyclical thinking. When we think about sex and intimacy in a cyclical fashion, sex doesn’t end just because the man or dominant partner comes,  it ends because we have had enough pleasure,  are tired,  are connected with our partner, or whatever. But not because we feel we didn’t have any other choice.  Yes, friends this not so novel an idea. I encourage you to allow sex to be more broad than what you see on TV, movies, and porn. So, have fun and enjoy.

Orgasm … just the period at the end of a sentence?

Someone shared this quote with me a while back when I was up to my usual antics – talking about sex. “An orgasm is just the period at the end of a sentence.” Sorry – I don’t know who the quote is from but if I remember correctly it was a porn star. Interesting. My friend mentioned the quote because I was concerned about the many women who have told me that they haven’t reached or rarely reach orgasm and how left out, frustrated, and ultimately ashamed they feel. I hear this from women at least once a month. Now granted – anyone who knows me professionally or personally, knows that I live to talk about sex so it isn’t surprising that I hear a lot of stories and venting about sex. This isn’t just a hobby for me it’s a calling.

Okay so back to the topic – Anorgasmia – also known as “a sexual difficulty involving the absence of orgasm in women.” is not uncommon – hence the official name. “5-10 percent of adult women in the U.S. have never experienced orgasm by any means of self or partner stimulation” (Spector & Carey, 1990). And an even more important statistic that every person and couple should know is that 70% of women never actually reach orgasm through penile-vaginal intercourse alone.

So do I agree that an orgasm is just the period at the end of a sentence? Well, as any good therapist would say, it depends. I think that when sex and intimacy are good, then the orgasm IS just the period at the end of a sentence. But then again, how many people are having the sex and intimacy they desire? I am not talking about the sex we see in movies. I am talking about the sex that real people experience in both new and old relationships.

So after talking to many women about this topic it’s clear that women who are having satisfying sex and regular orgasms often agree that orgasms are just a part of the satisfaction they experience. Pleasure and connection is the primary goal of their intimacy not necessarily having an orgasm. However, for the women who are not having satisfying sex, intimacy, or regular orgasms it can be incredibly important and at times all consuming in their intimate relationships. So, like I said, the importance of orgasm depends. It depends upon the person, the relationship, surrounding life issues, satisfaction or lack of satisfaction in the bedroom, and the list goes on.

Now don’t get me wrong – I AM FOR ORGASM and if you are not having orgasms I suggest you see a Sex Therapist. Having an orgasm is an incredible stress reliever and often comes in handy during writers block. What I am NOT for, is women feeling less than because they cannot reach the big “O”.

One last thought, this blog is not meant to minimize the struggles that women with Anorgasmia experience but to enlighten and normalize their feelings, enlighten those who are in relationships with women who are Anorgasmic, and encourage those struggling to seek help because this isn’t the end of the road for you.