Category Archives: Increasing Sexual Satisfaction

Articles about increasing sexual and relationship satisfaction.

What makes a great sexual lover?

Size matters you say? Of course everyone’s idea of what makes a great sexual lover varies. Some might say a great lover is naughty or rough, others might say erotic, while another person might say a great lover goes by the name of “Oh God!” More times than not, I find that when people describe a great sexual encounter the theme isn’t specifically about rough, kinky, naughty, or vanilla sex.

The common theme is that great sexual lovers show enthusiasm, curiosity, and desire.

Yes, being with a lover who is enthusiastic about you and the sexual experience gets lovers out of their shells and makes them more enthusiastic themselves. Get two lovers that are enthusiastic sexually and you create a more satisfying sexual experience for both lovers.  But enthusiasm isn’t enough – a great sexual lover also makes his or her partner feel desired and wanted.

For most, it doesn’t take a magic wand (pun intended) to become a great lover – just start by asking yourself a few questions. Are you curious about your lover? Are you curious about how your lover will respond to varied touch or do you assume that you know all there is to know about your lover? Are you more focused on pleasure or your performance?

Of course to receive great sex most need to feel relaxed and excited. In my practice, I often find that people feeling insecure about themselves, their bodies, or unsure about their partners can struggle with creating and receiving great sex. Also if they have a performance focus to sex –a focus on orgasm, how hard their erection is, or how long they last, actually have less satisfying sexual experiences than those who are relaxed, curious about their partner, and excited about whatever possibilities arise.

Sexual satisfaction can sometimes seem paradoxical.

The more we try to have an orgasm (See “Orgasm…just the period at the end of a sentence?), get an erection (See “Erection Obsession”), not cum too quickly, the less pleasurable it often is.  I often tell my clients who are overly focused on being good lovers to actually practice being selfish lovers (See “Be A Selfish Lover”).

I know some of you are confused – that’s because you’ve let Hollywood into your bedroom.

I get it guys, you’re focused on your dicks because you want to last longer to create great sex with your partner. Unfortunately, I am suggesting the opposite is often the key to great sex. Yes, when guys get too focused on their dicks and less focused on their partner, their partner isn’t feeling desired or wanted, and they finish feeling less satisfied and more disconnected. So bottom line, guys focus less on your dicks and ladies focus less on your body’s imperfections and everyone focus more on what feels good, being enthusiastic, and showing your partner you desire them, and there you have it – great sex… maybe.

Now go have sex!

10 MORE Sex Tips #MaySexTips

Here’s more May sex tips for all you couples in relationships as well as flirty singles. If you haven’t seen them all, just follow me on twitter @TalkSexWithLiz . To read about my first 10 sex tips, check out my blog here. I don’t think you or your partner will be disappointed. Also, if you have already tried some of these sex tips or you have feedback on my first 10 sex tips then comment below and let me know how they turned out for you.

Sex Tip#11-“Lick by Numbers.”

Number your body parts in order of how you want to be licked using your partner’s favorite flavor. This is a great way to teach your partner what you like in a fun way. S/he will likely remember this better than verbal instruction and you both will certainly enjoy it more.

Sex Tip#12 – For date night this week, go to a sex toy shop.

My favorite is the Pleasure Chest in West Hollywood . Here you can explore & buy sexcessories to spice up your sex life. Find out some of your partner’s likes, try something new, and maybe even learn something new about your own sexual likes and dislikes.

Sex Tip#13 – Have sex in the kitchen.

I suggest each of you pick out five items in the kitchen to supplement your love making. It may be food, a spoon, or even something more dangerous, but it will definitely be different than sex in bed.

Sex Tip#14 – Watch or read erotica with your partner and share the things that you see or read that you would like to try to do together.

So many of the couples I see think they know everything their partner’s like and dislike but they are often surprised when they approach sex in a state of curiosity rather than all-knowing.

Sex Tip#15 – Instead of your usual foreplay try some partner yoga.

Here’s a great video to get you started. Touching in a way that is sensual without a focus on orgasm or being sexy is sexy in itself. You may tap into a whole new way of being with your partner. If you really enjoy this you may want to start exploring Tantra yoga or Tantric Sex.

Sex Tip#16 – Take turns blindfolding each other as you sensually touch and tease one another. Notice how your other four senses are magnified.

Many people get focused on the physical touch of sex but tapping into our other senses – sight, sound, taste, and smell can definitely intensify our sexual experiences more than you might think. By restraining one sense, it naturally intensifies the others.

Sex Tip#17 – Take a picture of your bare hip/thigh/collarbone/hand/rib cage etc. and text it to your partner as foreplay. Add sexy hints about the pictures you send.

Good foreplay starts way before you enter the bedroom. Remember when you and your partner were dating? Yes, that’s when you felt that on-going sexual energy. You may remember it being so natural and easy but it wasn’t automatic – it took work – it just didn’t feel like it. Start taking time to do fun and enticing things like this and foreplay will feel like “play” rather than work.

Sex Tip #18 – Try some new sexual positions.

Have you gotten into the habit of those predictable sexual positions that are focused on getting you and your partner off? Well that’s all fine for a quickie but when sex is so predictable it gets boring, your senses dull, and your satisfaction and excitement decreases. Here are some ideas for new positions to try tonight.

Sex Tip#19 – Give her the best cunnilingus.

One of my favorite “sexual how to” books is, “She comes First” by Ian Kerner. I guarantee that you and your partner will learn something if you read it. It’s not just for the giver – the receiver can learn something about herself as well.  AND for those people who think they don’t have time to read – you can get it on audio!!

Sex Tip#20 – Give him the best BJ!

The key to a great blow job really is in your level of enthusiasm. Of course technique and novelty is helpful – but that’s something you can learn. My favorite book on increasing your BJ talents is “Tickle His Pickle” By Dr. Sadie. It’s light and funny, yet informative and accurate.

Now…Go Have SEX!!!

Top 10 Sex Tips for May

If you have been following my tweets then you already know my “Top 10 Sex Tips for May” search #MaySexTips or follow me on twitter @TalkSexWithLiz for sex tips daily. If you want more specifics on these fabulous sex tips read further. Also, if you have tried some of these sex tips then comment below and let me know how they turned out for you. I would love to hear from you.

Sex Tip #1 – Share your turn ons & offs with your partner. For every 1 turn off share 5 turn ons.

So many people assume they know what their partner wants or likes most but often when I ask the question “What are your partner’s greatest turn ons and off?” I get the answer “I think…hmmm.” If you have actually asked the question and you learned what your partner’s greatest turn ons and offs were years ago, great. But consider this, maybe his or her turn ons or turn offs have changed since the last time you asked. What we consider erotic in our 20s is often different from that in our 30s, 40s, 50s, etc.

Sex Tip #2 – Not every woman is a porn star and not every man has a 10″ dick. Unrealistic expectations of sex result in disappointment, so act accordingly!

It’s fun to act like a porn star. Some do this more often than others but when our partners EXPECT us to take on this role most of the time the result is either disappointment or detachment. So many people have expectations for sex that began on a TV, movie, or computer screen. The sooner you get realistic about your sexual expectations the sooner you will be able to embrace you and your partner’s sexuality and start working on greater sexual satisfaction and intimacy.

Sex Tip #3 – Be curious and mix it up-approach your partner without expectation of their response. They will feel more desired & excited.

Everyone wants to feel desired. Everyone gets into habitual sexual behaviors. Habits are great for knowing what we can rely on but not so great for long term sexual satisfaction. Great sex requires a level of excitation that often gets stifled when our sexual behaviors and interactions become habitual. Mix it up and see what happens.

Tip#4 – Quit waiting for sex to be spontaneous – Spontaneous sex is a myth.

For more on this tip read my blog: http://talksexwithliz.com/blog/spontaneous-sex-myth

Tip#5-Your brain is your biggest sex organ. To feel sexy create space for and feed sexy thoughts.

When you see something that turns you on pay attention to it! Again, for more on this read my blog: Our Biggest Sex Organ

Tip#6 – What you wear can fuel or extinguish your desire. Get rid of those granny panties or grandpa boxers. Enough said.

Tip#7 – Mix it up – try using your mouth (taste, lick, bite, talk) and hands (grab, scratch, caress) MORE and your genitals LESS.

The erogenous zones outside of our genitals are often ignored – what a shame. Filet or Lobster is great for dinner but do you want to eat it every night? How about mixing up the menu? Try it – I think you will like it.

Tip#8 – Increase the intensity of your partner’s orgasm -tease it out – make them beg for it.

Sounds sexy doesn’t it? Slow it down and explore all those erogenous zones from Tip#7 before even considering touching the genitals – your partner will thank you for it.

Tip#9 – Use a good silicone lube.

If you think lube is overrated then you have never experienced a good silicone lube. Sure great foreplay and following all of my tips mentioned above will make it less necessary but this is to supplement sexual satisfaction not make up for a lack of lubrication because of lack of foreplay.

Tip#10 – Oral Sex Tips from Oral Sex Tips & Techniques like the tea bagging one are great – but I suggest shaving first!

Yes, if you want those nuts/balls/boys really attended to during oral sex then it’s all about maintenance – shave those family jewels! You and your partner will thank me for it.

Now go have sex!

The key ingredients of great sex

great sex and sex appealSo what are the key ingredients of great sex you ask? Am I suggesting that great sex comes down to just a few simple ingredients? Yes. I know what you are thinking – here it comes – the answer to everyone’s sexual problems and the key to world peace. Ok, so maybe not world peace. These key ingredients aren’t actually things or a who, what, where, or when. The ingredients to great sex are a way of being. The ingredients to great sex are actually about the way we approach sex, our sexuality, and our sexual partner(s).

I know, get to it already. If you’re wanting me to hurry up and get to the point or feeling the impulse to jump to the end of this article to these ingredients, then I think you would benefit from a whole other blog topic. Give me a day I’ll come up with something. Possibly, “What’s the rush? Sexual impulse control for the hurried man or woman.” Or maybe reading my previous blog http://talksexwithliz.com/blog/orgasm-%E2%80%A6-just-the-period-at-the-end-of-a-sentence might help.

Seriously though, think back to a time long ago when you had great sex… for some of you this wasn’t so long ago and that’s awesome. For others, it was a long time ago and the closest thing you get to foreplay is my blog – sorry, I will try to write more often. Okay, really seriously now. Think about what has made up great sex for you in the past. Was a key ingredient the person you had sex with? Was it the place you had sex? Was it the positions you had sex in? These may have been some of the ingredients that made the sex great for you but were they common throughout each great sexual experience? Were they essential to what made the sex great? – Were they the flour in the cake? Were they the egg in the omelet? Typically, these items above are not necessarily key or essential items, they are important, and may bring back fond memories, but they are not typically the key ingredients to great sex!

The key ingredients – the sure fire way to make or break sex – are enthusiasm and confidence! If you have read my blogs before, you know your biggest sex organ is your brain. So if you are not into your partner or the sex – if you aren’t “feeling it,” the sex will be mediocre – whether you have all the ingredients I mentioned above or not.

Enthusiasm is contagious

If you are not enthusiastic about what you are up to in the bedroom, if you lack the excitement and interest in what you are doing, your partner can sense that, and you will both experience less pleasure. Our sexual partners feed off of our enthusiasm – it makes them feel good that you are interested and excited so they in-turn are more interested and excited and into you. When they feel desired they in turn have more desire for you. It’s contagious and cyclical.

Confidence is key

Confidence is important because if you are struggling with feeling confident about your sex appeal, desirability, or sexual prowess, you will APPEAR less attractive to your partner and ultimately BE less desirable to them. Over all the years I gave romance parties, taught romance, pole dancing, lap dancing, and even fabulous fellacio 101, I met many beautiful and attractive people who I thought could be very sexy, who actually couldn’t find their inner diva or stallion. They definitely lacked the confidence to pull off a sexy lap dance or a romantic interlude. Then again I also met many average looking people that kicked ass in the sexy department. They had enthusiasm about the pleasures of being sexual and they had the confidence to entice and excite not only themselves but their partners who in-turn mirrored that confidence and enthusiasm.

So there you have it. Even if you have a hot partner, a closet full of sex toys, the best sex swing on the market, or the body of a dancer or a Spartan, you’re not gonna have great sex without enthusiasm and confidence.

Now go have sex!

Be a Selfish Lover

long-beach_sex_therapist_background.pngThat must be a typo you say. But no, it’s not. If you want better sex, be a selfish lover. Your partner will thank you for it. Being a selfish lover isn’t what you think. Being a selfish lover is about approaching sex the way you did with your lover when you were first together – when you couldn’t get enough of them – when you didn’t know what she or he wanted – when you were curious about them – curious about their body, the way sex with them felt, the way they responded to your touch, and how it felt for you to touch him or her.

Being a selfish lover is NOT about

Being a selfish lover is NOT about ignoring your partner’s satisfaction or just getting yourself off. When I tell my clients to do this their first vision is often the young guy who has no interest in connecting with his partner sexually. It’s the partner who skips foreplay, orgasms prematurely, says to himself “awe that was great” and then rolls over to go to sleep. Let’s be clear – this is not at all what I am suggesting. If you know someone like this, give them my number, I can help! 

Being a selfish lover is about taking yourself and your partner to places that YOU want to go. It’s about approaching sex with a new sense of curiosity and desire that often gets stifled when we approach sex with the sole intent to please or perform for our partner. When you approach sex selfishly you and your lover can often experience more sexual pleasure.

When sex is a have to…

If sex is a “have to” rather than a “get to” for you then selfish sex is an approach you should try. I often find with clients or couples struggling with low sexual desire that they stopped having sex for themselves at some point and turned the focus onto doing it for their partners. When we approach sex or anything for that matter, in a way that is about doing something for ourselves then there is less space for a “have to” way of being. If you have difficulty allowing yourself pleasure or treating yourself; then that’s another conversation and it would likely be helpful for you to see a Sex Therapist. In the meantime, check out other topics on my “Talk Sex With Liz” Blog for some ideas on where to start.

Your partner will thank you …

When you approach sex selfishly your partner will actually feel more desired. Yes! Yes! Yes! Everyone wants to feel desired and when a partner is having sex with us because they want to – because it’s their treat for themselves – we feel more desired. Huh? Not getting it yet? Okay let me reframe. I am not talking about when your partner wants “It” I am talking about when your partner wants “YOU”. When your partner wants to have sex with you as a selfish treat to him or herself you feel wanted.

Mix it up…

One last caveat – By no means am I saying that we should never approach sex with the idea of pleasing our partners. I am suggesting that you be a selfish lover more- often not a stupid lover. These tips are by no means a constant – I want you to mix it up – variety is the spice of life. So having sex FOR our partners or giving to our partners in a loving, selfless way is fine, just don’t make it a constant in your approach to sexual intimacy.

Now go have sex!

Why 50 Shades Bombed – But Women Still Want to be Taken

sex and passionCheck out my latest article about the 50 Shades movie and find out  why women want to be taken. The movie may have been a dud but we can’t ignore the attention the book trilogy received and the overwhelming fact that being dominated is a very common fantasy for women, read more…

And, of course… Don’t forget…

Now go have sex!

Be Satisfied This Valentine’s Day

My latest article in Theravive this month is about how to experience the Valentine’s Day that you want. I want women to stop basing their relationship and sexual expectations on what they have learned through movies and media. If you are waiting for your prince to come and read your mind about what want for that special day or what makes you feel desired, yada, yada, yada, you are likely to be disappointed. Expecting our partner’s to read our minds and be the perfect romantic partner for Valentine’s Day and any day for that matter is often a recipe for failure and disappointment. Waiting for that arrow to strike you in the butt may more likely result in a sore @$$ of resentment towards your partner and your relationship.

So read further to get some tips on taking control of how you want your Valentine’s Day to look and start creating it today. Read on…

When sex is boring or unsatisfying

When sex with our partner gets predictable, boring, or unsatisfying, we lose interest in having sex – it’s low sexual desire 101. If you don’t get your sexual needs met with your partner, you either satisfy them yourself through masturbation, fantasy, an affair, or you start to shut off your sexual desire completely. Passion requires many things, one of those being excitement but also direct communication.

However, getting into a sexual rut isn’t the end of the relationship, marriage, or the end of the world, it happens to the best of us.

Boring or unsatisfying sex is most common in long term relationships and marriage because it can be – it’s easy, we get tired, lazy, take our partner’s for granted, etc. If you read my Blog from last week: New Years Resolutions – Great Sex... you learned that focusing on what turns you on helps to create more pleasure and sexual desire. But that’s not enough when you just aren’t getting your sexual needs met. If your partner isn’t doing things to turn you on in or outside of the bedroom then changing your focus doesn’t help much with sexual desire.

So many couples come into my sex therapy office wondering why they have lost their sexual desire, their libido, their erections, etc., when the truth is, the sex they were having didn’t only lack passion, but was also boring, created more feelings of disconnection than connection, and left them feeling inadequate or frustrated. Who the heck would want to be having sex like that?

Sexual desire isn’t stupid. Sexual desire is connected to our body’s level of sexual pleasure and satisfaction with sex.

In order to get your sexual needs met, you need to know what your sexual wants, needs, and desires are and make sure your partner knows what they are. Taking a personal inventory of your turn-ons and turn-offs is a great place to start. Whether these things currently include your partner or not, list them. And be open to ideas that might not initially seem related to what happens in the bedroom. Many interactions we have with our sexual partners impact our sexual relationship whether the interactions are sexual or sex-related or not. For example, equity of housework, respect, complements, being doted on, etc. To get an idea about how to do this, check out my Blog: Identifying Turn Ons. Of course this will more likely help your marriage, relationship, sexual relationship, if you actually share it with your partner. Some of these things your partner may have done previously, some of these things may be new that you haven’t shared with your partner, and some of these things may require you taking more charge of your sex life and sexuality. Success in sex starts with some direct CUMmunication! If you are not able to do this on your own, you have my contact info and my door is always open.

Now go have sex!

 

Resolutions – Improve Your Sex Life

Here is a Resolution – improve your sex life this year. In order to do that you need to FOCUS on what you WANT sexually. Because whatever you focus on gets bigger….

If you focus on pleasure, what turns you on, what you consider sexy, you are more likely to enjoy and desire sex.

No this article is not about how to make your penis bigger… sorry to disappoint you… that’s a whole different blog. However, these ideas certainly won’t hurt and this blog and way of thinking can certainly help you if you are having difficulty with your erections.  Basically, when you focus on what you enjoy about sex rather than how your penis, body, or partner disappoints you, you become sexually aroused, satisfied, have an orgasm, NOT have erectile dysfunction, NOT have premature ejaculation, NOT feel sexually frustrated, etc.

If you are focused on what turns you off, parts of your body you don’t like, fear that you will lose your erection or ejaculate too quickly, things that your partner does in or outside the bedroom that annoy or frustrate you- you are not going to get turned on enough to reach orgasm, maintain your erection, or enjoy the experience. Think back to when you were first sexual with your partner. For those of you in sexually frustrated relationships or those of you who have lost your grove, or have no desire to have sex, this may not be easy.

If you want to get your grove back, it starts with your thoughts.

Yes, your thoughts drive your desires and the extent to which you get aroused, and then the extent to which you enjoy sex, have an orgasm, etc. etc. No magic cream or pill is going to fix your sex life when you are focused on your turn offs. So…getting back to when you first kissed, groped, had sex with your partner; were you thinking about how she or he disappointed you or annoyed you? Were you thinking about how you and/or your partner had gained weight? Doubtful. You were likely thinking about how desired you felt, how good their hands felt, how much you desired that person. That was what got your panties wet or put the bulge in your pants not whether or not your partner did the things you asked them to do earlier that day or how it annoys you that they have a sexual routine… kiss for one minute, melon grab to my boobs, quick genital touch, penetrate with missionary position, and then finish off in doggy style. This certainly doesn’t sound very sexy. However, to some maybe it does so their thoughts are going to be creating desire and arousal – the necessary components for satisfying sex. So… focusing on what you like, what pleasures you, what is positive in your intimate life is step one. If your sex routine looks like what I just mentioned, then you need to read further to step two – that’s my next blog so keep checking in and I will be following up with step two soon.

 

Now go have sex!

 

Fixing relationships in sex therapy

Want to improve your marriage or intimate relationship when the sex isn’t great? Go to a sex therapist or a therapist/counselor with training and skills in sex therapy. For couples counseling, therapists without training in sex therapy or sexuality don’t always have the skills needed to successfully help answer sex related questions or fix sexual problems.

If you have ever thought of going to couples therapy, sex therapy, or talking to someone about improving your sexual relationships, this article http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201312/no-sex-in-school explains why it is important for you to make sure the counselor or therapist you are considering is skilled in doing sex therapy.

Most Psychotherapists and Marriage Family Therapists have very little training in sex therapy.

Just because a counselor or therapist is having sex doesn’t make them qualified to do sex therapy or help people fix their sexual problems. So make sure the person you are working with feels comfortable talking about sex and is knowledgeable about how to treat sexual problems common with couples.

Do you know how to ask for what you want sexually from your partner? Do you even know what you want in the bedroom?

Most people are uncomfortable talking about sex – let alone their sexual problems or concerns – this includes people coming into therapy wanting their sexual problems solved. Therapists are taught to bring up the topic of sex in therapy with clients but I have had couples come to me for sex therapy with the complaint that they previously went to a counselor or therapist and sexual issues were never brought up and the client didn’t feel comfortable bringing sexual problems up themselves.

One basic benefit of having training in sex therapy is it helps therapists feel more comfortable talking about sexual problems, issues, and concerns.

In our culture we learn many mixed messages about sex and we as therapists need to have the training to identify what sexual hang ups we carry around with us so that we can have the insight to know when it is impacting our work with a client for better or worse.

Now go have sex!

 

 

 

Our Biggest Sex Organ Is Between Our Ears

Yes, your biggest sex organ is your brain! Sex drive, sexual pleasure, and sexual satisfaction are more about what is between our ears than what is between our legs. However, our culture sees sex drive, sexual pleasure, and sexual dysfunction as being about our sexual parts – our genitals. The fact of the matter is that our sexual desires and dysfunctions are driven by our thoughts and what we do with our genitals will rarely change our sex drive or dysfunction unless we first change our thoughts. So if you or your partner are struggling with orgasm, maintaining erections, premature ejaculation, or staying present during sex keep reading.

In our culture sex is about breasts, hard erections, the right clitoral stimulation, or that perfect sexual position. Sure all of that is important too but until you get into the right head space, your body isn’t going to enjoy or be receptive to what is being offered by way of stimulation. Just look at the success of businesses that sell sex toys, sexual stimulants/arousal creams, and other sex related accessories. Now don’t get me wrong, these products can be fun, enhance sexual pleasure, and help to get some people in the mood or stay in the mood. The problem I see is that when we look to these sex accessories as a fix to a sexual problem it is like putting a band aid on a wound that needs stitches, it just makes it worse and it‘s likely to leave a scar. Yes, so many of my clients have scarred themselves by trying at home fixes for sexual problems and the increased insecurities, hopelessness, and sexual frustration it resulted in created a much bigger wound than the initial sexual difficulties.

So go get yourself into a sex positive head space, take a personal inventory and be honest with yourself about why you are having sex related difficulties, communicate with your partner, and go have some sex! Not sure how to do this? Keep reading my blog and I will give you tips for increasing your sexual comfort, your sexual desire, and having more open and direct communication with your sexual partner about your sexual likes, dislikes, turn-ons, and turn-offs.

Look for my blog later this week for step one of getting into a sex positive head space: clarifying how your thoughts are driving your sexual desires and satisfaction. I will give you some tools for taking your own sexual inventory.

Now…. Go have some sex!

Great Sex is NOT Like Baseball

A friend told me about this great talk on TED today by Al Vernacchio. It’s about how it’s better to look at sex like pizza than baseball.  To check it out, click here: “Sex Needs a New Metaphor”

I love this concept. He talks about how viewing sex like pizza gives us the opportunity to discuss with our partner how we would like it… the usual way?… half of what you want and half of what I want?… or if we would like to try something new.  The linear view of sex that so many people have …. first base, second, and so on, like baseball, creates performance focused sex rather than pleasure focused intimacy. When we have a more cyclical view of sex – that it ends when YOU say, not when the penis does or when one person orgasms – it becomes more pleasure focused, more flexible, more desirable, and more satisfying than being constricted to the box that linear focused sex puts us in. So check out this fun video …. and go get yourself some pizza!

Risks, Desires, & Long Term Relationships

I attended an Infidelity conference this weekend and between the conference and this article “Finding the Courage to Reveal a Fetish” http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/11/fashion/modern-love-a-spanking-fetish-is-not-revealed-easily.html?hp&pagewanted=all I couldn’t help from wondering…. What are lovers holding back from their sexual partners and to what extent does this lead to infidelity and/or a lack of sexual desire? For many, the idea of telling your partner, wife, husband, girlfriend, or boyfriend what you REALLY want sexually is more taboo than the fantasies themselves. You seek greater intimacy and a more satisfying sex life yet something keeps you from revealing your whole self.  The potential rejection of your desires from the person from whom you seek comfort is often too painful to consider so you avoid risking, keep your partner at a safe distance, sustain the unsatisfying Saturday night sex, and seek your satisfaction in other safe activities. OR you push those desires down to a place where you eventually seek it elsewhere…with another partner. You have your cake and eat it too – you have the comfort at home and the risk, desire, mystique outside the home.  Yet, are you really having both? Those of us who study this work, sex therapy and couples therapy, would likely say no. Eventually, the secret likely erodes the true intimacy, desire, or love you and your partner have because you are taking away your partner’s ability to choose. To choose YOU whatever your desires, to choose alternatives to monogamy, to choose a lover for him/herself.  I wonder, when you take away choice in a relationship what happens to desire?

Orgasm … just the period at the end of a sentence?

Someone shared this quote with me a while back when I was up to my usual antics – talking about sex. “An orgasm is just the period at the end of a sentence.” Sorry – I don’t know who the quote is from but if I remember correctly it was a porn star. Interesting. My friend mentioned the quote because I was concerned about the many women who have told me that they haven’t reached or rarely reach orgasm and how left out, frustrated, and ultimately ashamed they feel. I hear this from women at least once a month. Now granted – anyone who knows me professionally or personally, knows that I live to talk about sex so it isn’t surprising that I hear a lot of stories and venting about sex. This isn’t just a hobby for me it’s a calling.

Okay so back to the topic – Anorgasmia – also known as “a sexual difficulty involving the absence of orgasm in women.” http://www.soc.ucsb.edu/sexinfo/article/female-orgasmic-difficulties is not uncommon – hence the official name. “5-10 percent of adult women in the U.S. have never experienced orgasm by any means of self or partner stimulation” (Spector & Carey, 1990). And an even more important statistic that every person and couple should know is that 70% of women never actually reach orgasm through penile-vaginal intercourse alone.

So do I agree that an orgasm is just the period at the end of a sentence? Well, as any good therapist would say, it depends. I think that when sex and intimacy are good, then the orgasm IS just the period at the end of a sentence. But then again, how many people are having the sex and intimacy they desire? I am not talking about the sex we see in movies. I am talking about the sex that real people experience in both new and old relationships.

So after talking to many women about this topic it’s clear that women who are having satisfying sex and regular orgasms often agree that orgasms are just a part of the satisfaction they experience. Pleasure and connection is the primary goal of their intimacy not necessarily having an orgasm. However, for the women who are not having satisfying sex, intimacy, or regular orgasms it can be incredibly important and at times all consuming in their intimate relationships. So, like I said, the importance of orgasm depends. It depends upon the person, the relationship, surrounding life issues, satisfaction or lack of satisfaction in the bedroom, and the list goes on.

Now don’t get me wrong – I AM FOR ORGASM and if you are not having orgasms I suggest you see a Sex Therapist. Having an orgasm is an incredible stress reliever and often comes in handy during writers block. What I am NOT for, is women feeling less than because they cannot reach the big “O”.

One last thought, this blog is not meant to minimize the struggles that women with Anorgasmia experience but to enlighten and normalize their feelings, enlighten those who are in relationships with women who are Anorgasmic, and encourage those struggling to seek help because this isn’t the end of the road for you.